The Precious Lamb of God: Jaeden's Story: A Mother's Prayer

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Mother's Prayer

Dear Father,

I humbly come before you, Lord, with a sincere heart to give Thanks. Thank you for waking me up this morning. Thank you for allowing Jaeden to see another day. Thank you for being you. Thank you for my family and the love of friends and family.

Father, please give me the strength to deal with this most challenging time. God, I love Jaeden so much and I want him to be well. This is so difficult for me. It is hard for me to be strong and to appear to be strong on a regular basis. I find myself blaming myself for what has happened to my son. I feel like there has to be something that I was supposed to do or should have been doing to avoid all this. I don't know what it is, but I feel like this is all my fault. Lord God, I do not know what to do. Please forgive me...I really don't know where I went wrong. I ask that my son will forgive me for doing this to him.

This is so, so, so, hard for me to handle and I do not know what to do. I have to be strong for Jaeden. I understand that, so why is this so hard. Why does this hurt so much. Father, I have faith that things are going to turn out well, I believe that you will make things better, I believe in you so much, so why am I in so much pain. I have so many ups and downs. The mood swings are ridiculous. I need order in my life. I feel so lost. I don't know which way to turn.

Lord God, I pray for my husband, who is also hurting. He is going through it as well. I know he is deeply affected by all that is going on also. I know he has a lot to do and he cannot necessarily do what he wants when he wants. I know he would like to be with Jaeden more often but can't due to the fact that he must work. I know he does the best he can to juggle everything and still have some semblance of normalcy. Please give him strength and it is my hope that he will not break down. I pray for our sanity.

Father, I leave all this in your hands, trusting in you. May your will take place.

Please continue to watch over Jaeden. I'm looking forward to the day that I can bring home a happy, healthy, Jaeden home.

I ask all these things, in the name of Jesus.

AMEN!!!!!!!!

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How we got here!

It all started in December. I was sick as a dog. I had a cold, a cough that wouldn't quit and the headaches didn't stop. I remember coming home from work on a Friday feeling like crap. This was completely unrelated to the fact that I had missed my period and was wondering why. When I got home, I took a home pregnancy test but it came back negative. I was cool with that. This was already the third day I was feeling as if I were coming down with a bad cold or the flu. I go to bed Friday and stayed in the bed all day Saturday. My husband kept saying, C do you want to go to the ER. They may be able to give you some antibiotics or something. I thought I would be ok with some OTC medicine. I wake up Sunday, now I'm feeling worse. I finally take my husband's advice and we go to the ER. The doctor's asked me if I was pregnant, I said No. Remember I just took the home test two days before. OK. They said I had some type of upper respiratory infection but they could not give me anything because when they took my urine it came back positive for pregnancy. Of course, I felt like a deer caught in headlights. What do you mean, I'm pregnant? Hello, I just took a test that said Negative. Arthur and I were shocked, but happy at the same time. We discussed having a baby, but the timeline we had in mind, was a little later than this. God had different plans.

Nothing about this pregnancy was easy. Arthur and I were back and forth to the ER. There were episodes of bleeding. I remember leaving work with my sister, rushing to the ER and spending all afternoon and all night, to be told that I may not carry this baby past the first trimester. There was no heartbeat. There was the waiting game to see if a heartbeat would ever show. On another occasion, I went to the ER in my hometown, for them to tell me the same thing.

Finally, an ultrasound showed a heartbeat and we were in business. I was told I had to take it easy. That I did. In mid-March, I had the cervial cerclage placed and was placed on bedrest for a couple weeks. I went back to work and knew instantly that I was not going to be able to continue to work if I wanted to have this baby. After trying to work for two days, I went on disability. I was on bed rest with bathroom privileges for the remainder of my pregnancy. The only time I left the house was to go to the doctor and to have my ultrasounds done at the hospital. In April, there was noticeable shortening of my cervix. This continued to happen. In May, after one of my ultrasound appointments, I was put on strict bedrest in the hospital with NO bathroom privileges. Everything I had to do, had to be done while in the bed. I was away from my husband and away from my daughter. It had to be done for the safety of the pregnancy. I was given Steroid shots for the maturation of the baby's lungs. Dear mother of God, how those shots hurt. I cried each time I got them. Thank God, you only get two. Trust me that was quite enough. On Thursday June 5th at 3:00 am, my water broke, better known as Premature Rupture Of Membranes (PROM). Now there was cause for concern regarding infection. I was put on IV and given antibiotics to fight off possible infection. The next morning I was feeling down because I was worried about the continuous leaking of fluid. Worried if my baby was going to be ok. I cried and I prayed and cried and prayed. I fought to get my spirits up. But I managed to do so. Later on in the day, around 4 something, I started to feel pain. I didn't know what it was. I wasn't sure if it was contractions because the nurse said nothing was registering on the monitor. Everyone thought I was crazy. Hell, my husband did too. I knew I was feeling something and I knew the only person who would believe me was my own doctor. I made them call him and he came running. He ordered them to prep me for emergency c-section. In less than an hour, when my doctor arrived, and he checked me I was already 7 cm dialated. The mad rush began to hurry and get my baby delivered. By no means was it an easy delivery either. The surgery was difficult for me and for the doctors. But Jaeden made his debut into the world on that Friday June 6, 2008 at 28 weeks gestation. I thank God, that my husband was able to fight through Friday evening traffic and make it in time to support me and to see his son arrive. What a blessing!!! I thank my mother-in-law for being at the hospital, I thank my sister and my daughter. I thank my doctor for believing me and for acting so quickly. He said he ran five red lights. Hope you didn't get any tickets. I will end this by saying my son is truly a miracle child. It was later determined when my placenta was tested, that I suffered Placenta Abruptio. If my doctor had not believed me and he did not work as fast as he did, there would have been a different story to tell. Boy am I grateful, that my son was given a chance at life and that God did not find it robbery to bestow this awesome blessing upon my husband, and I and our family.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Mother's Prayer

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How we got here!